The crazy thing about being out of school, is that there is time to THINK. Oh god. I never realized how terrifying my thought life was before college. Before drowning it out with mitosis and meiosis, equilibrium and electrochemistry, Freud and Maslow. While I was feverishly studying for my finals all the grandeur of the electrifying summer activities I would partake in filled my mind. I planned on going belly-dancing, canoeing, hiking, and camping. I was going to get another part time job and make tonnes of money. I would indulge in so many live indie bands that my mind would burst at the seams like ones stomach does after Thanksgiving dinner. I planned on blogging everyday. I planned on jogging at 8am every morning.
Momentum lost, apparently. I've slept in every day. Haven't blogged until now. Haven't jogged yet.
I suppose I'm being hard on myself. I have a habit of that. It's likely my body simply needs a bit of R&R. But I am BORED. I miss the days and days of sitting with my four girls at our permanent place of study in the library, cracking jokes and making plans for the summer.
Worst is the THINKING that accompanies boredom! The solitary sound of my own voice in my own head, just puttering around in there like an old man who's seen too much life. Depressed and cynical. Frail.
My bored thinking makes me anxious. And fidgety. And I complain a lot when I'm bored. I recently asked my friend and sister as we were driving to the U.S. of A. if I complain too much. I had noticed it myself. Usually, when you notice that you're annoying yourself, others have been annoyed loooong before you yourself became annoyed with yourself. It was true in this case. Apparently I complain a lot. All the time. Whoa! Wait a minute. I DO NOT want to be that person. I know that person. Annoying is the only way to describe them. Well, me too I guess.
The thing is, I'm not always aware of it. I'm not sure why I do it. I'm not sure when I started, and when people started noticing it and classifying me as that person. It's hard to know how you come across to other people without asking. After asking someone, the only glimpse you can have of yourself is based solely on their own interpretation and honesty. Thankfully, I have friends I think I can trust in that area.
However, it hurts to hear something like that. As much as I appreciate hearing the honesty, it still stings. So after asking and awkwardly laughing at the uncomfortable answer, I went silent. I tried to temper it, to sugar coat it for myself by saying everyone complains, that I'm not the only one that does it. I waited and listened for every time my sister and friend complained as evidence for my case. However deep inside I know I need to change regardless of other people's problems, because we've all got problems, and part of the problem with the world is that people use that as an excuse for not changing behaviour. So I went home, mindful of it. And I've been thinking and thinking about it ever since. Mitosis and meiosis have not come to my rescue. The dissociation constant has not come to my aid. Perhaps Carl Rogers is somewhere actively listening to my thoughts, saying, "Mmhmm. So you feel pretty down about your friend saying you complain? Is that what you're saying?" Yes idiot. That is what I'm saying. Now give me some advice and stop being so patronizing!
Where to go from here? I'm not too sure. I essentially have two options: 1) change, 2) don't change. Pretty simple. I do have a whole summer to work on complaining. Maybe that could be my assignment. Should I go cold turkey, and cut complaining completely, punishing myself every time I make a mistake? Should I tape my mouth with duct tape and not allow myself to talk until I am sure I've eliminated it from my life? Maybe I should do it slowly, like a diet where you tackle little bits at a time. Substitute my sugary cereal with a high fibre option the first week, then cut dessert the second week (but to be reasonable allow one a week) etcetera. I'll be like a smoker who takes it easy, who goes from one pack a day, down to 5 cigarettes a day, down to one. And then... okay maybe I'll keep it at one a day. Lets be realistic here!
