Where No One Knows My Name

I grew up in a small town. The kind where everybody knows everybody, and everybody is in everybody else's business. I also grew up in a small church. Which is the same thing, only on a much more intense (and unfortunately judgmental) level. Growing up like that, you learn to

Hate.

It.

When I left Meadow Lake for Regina, I decided that was it. I would never look back. It was OVER. Emotionally and physically. It wasn't a hard decision to make. In fact it came quite naturally.

There is a song by the band Augustana called Boston. Some of you may know it. It's a really beautiful song about a girl that has had it up to her eyeballs with a place (California), and just wants to get out. The chorus is my favorite:

She said, I think I'll go to Boston

I think I'll start a new life,

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name

I'll get out of [Saskatchewan], I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover, and fly 'em out to Spain

I think I'll go to Boston

I think that I'm just tired,

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind

It speaks so clearly about a feeling that so many of us get. I felt like that girl. For a long time. I just wanted to avoid the chaos and challenges that life and relationships brought. I had intense dissatisfaction regarding both. It was the same scenario when I left Regina a few years later. The idea of going somewhere and starting over was extremely appealing. Where no one knew my name. Where I could create my own meaning for my own name. Where I could start over, with new confidence. New vision. No past or peoples' opinions holding me back (please note that this is impossible and I know that. Personal problems are with you for life unless you deal with them).

Now I live in Vancouver. I LOVE vancouver. It's the first place I've lived that I can actually say that about. I mean all the right ingredients for what I want out of life are here. I'm so glad that all my frantic attempts to get away from a life I hated led me here. Except... now I want people to know my name. Starting over is tough. Knowing absolutely no one is hard. That dream of walking through a thousand faces without recognizing a singe one, when in reality, is empty. Unsatisfying. Terrifying.

I've turned 180 degrees. I've started my new life. I've realized I have to face my insecurities head on, not run away from them. I've discovered that your past follows you everywhere (I knew it before... just didn't want to admit it). I've also discovered PEOPLE are the most important thing in this world. People knowing about you. Understanding your context. You understanding theirs. When you find that place where you want to be, that desire for relationships blossoms. So the song quickly becomes:

Boston, where at least someone knows my name.