Tug of War is Only Fun On the Playground

It is REALLY hard to figure out what to do for one's life. I've wanted to be a model (I was young...then I didn't grow), a ballerina, an artist, a writer/journalist, a psychologist, a photographer, and -- more recently -- a dietician. The list is much more exhaustive. Believe me, I've been around the block. Listing the things I haven't considered would probably take less time. The dilemma is common for many people, especially in the same stage of life as me. But somehow being in this stage of "the unknown" brings with it feelings of loneliness, isolation and, ultimately, helplessness.

The problem is that I just like too many things, and I'm not overly good at any one thing. This combination leads to symptoms of job/career ADD. My process of jumping from career choice to career choice is much like watching a child with ADD have the absolute inability to focus their attention on anything in a productive way. Unfortunately, as far as I am aware, there is no career ritalin.

THE PROCESS:

It begins with the deep internal need to make something of oneself. An effort is made to satisfy this need that begets the following stages in the cycle of "reasoning":

Stage 1: reflective questions.

Everybody's got to be or do something, so what will I do? What do I like to do? What am I good at that can make me the most money? What drives and motivates me? What makes me happy deep inside?

Stage 2: attempt to answer questions by matching career descriptions with likes and natural abilities.

This is where it gets complicated, and perhaps where I go most wrong. Some people find it easy to solve the problem since they are so good at something that they naturally veer toward it. Often, they are also very passionate about it, which focuses them in a way completely foreign to me. The problem lies in not knowing exactly what you are good at, and as a result not having a real passion for anything (or is it vice versa...?). Because of this I usually sacrifice one of the two necessary components for job satisfaction when "deciding": natural ability or passion. The resulting internal conversation might go something like this:

*At age 7: "Modeling would be awesome because there are opportunities to travel and make lots of money and I would always look pretty."

*At age 15/16-21 or so: "I like taking pictures. PHOTOGRAPHY! That would be so cool! If I can't be a model I could take pictures of models. I could be artistic and travel!"

*Around 20-22: "Counseling/Psychology would be cool. I really want to help people. I'm compassionate and very patient. I'm really interested in how humans behave."

*Age 23: "I really want to help people. What involves helping people that I really like doing? OH! I like giving nutritional advice. I think eating right is really important in preventing illness. I could be a dietician!"

Stage 3: Self-doubt/reality

In this stage I either realize the that my dream career is unobtainable, become commitmentphobic, or both.

In the case of wanting to be a model, this was probably for the best. I never grew past 5'3" and I don't take criticism about my body very well.

Then there was photography. I bought a camera. Looked into photography schools. Got a job at Walmart Portrait Studio. Only to find out that I hate working with misbehaved children, parents usually behave worse (I frequently wanted to give them parenting lectures), and most of all I resented feeling forced to be creative. The passion just died. For whatever reasons. I chalk it up to the above list, but I still don't know clearly and exactly why. I do know that to this day I have no desire to pick up my $1800 camera.

Counseling/psychology. I Researched it. Thought about it. Decided not to for a variety of reasons, most of which are pretty feeble. Reasons like "I think I would get too exhausted helping people with their problems in that setting. I think I'm not emotionally strong enough. It takes too long to be a psychologist." The truth is, it remains something I consider doing. I'm just not convinced its what I really want to do. It's a bit like the guy who really likes a girl --enough to say he loves her -- but still hedges about and won't commit for whatever reasons.

Lets skip to the most recent.

My mother is one of those crazy nutritional experts (though not formally trained). I grew up on organic wheats and vegetables, unpasteurized milk and untainted hormone-free meat. Sometime last year I found myself giving someone some nutritional advice. I do it quite frequently, and in that moment something clicked. I went home and did some preliminary research, and decided I wanted to be a nutritionist. I was pretty positive I wanted to head in that direction. I was also at the place where I was sick of having half ideas and then not finding out for real if it was something I wanted to do. So I made the decision. I would get my life together and go to school.

Going to college was a major hurdle cleared! I was actually acting on something! All the other options I just talked myself out of. I didn't act on them. I had a goal! I had focus! How exciting! The only problem is that I started doing more research on what exactly a dietician does. A vast majority of dieticians work as management or clinical dieticians. Neither of these appeal to me at all. They involve food management and menu planning. The area that really interested me was that of the community dietician. They are more public figures who give advice, work more on a one to one basis with individuals who want to improve their health through diet. My dream was to own my own business eventually. I still like that idea. But at the same time...

I don't know if I actually want to do it. I just don't think I want it enough.

And the freakish career tug-of-war persists.

I found an inspiring quote some time ago; "Don't ask yourself what the world needs: ask yourself what makes you come ALIVE. And then go and do that. Because what the world NEEDS IS PEOPLE who have come ALIVE". The truth of it rings really true for me. Most of my indecisiveness revolves around this persistent tug-of-war between wanting to be useful in society and wanting to find and do what I'm passionate about. So what makes me come alive? People. Working with them, usually as a team. Building relationships. Reconciliation. Finding middle ground. Fairness and justice. A good story, whether in print or film. Discussing ideas, points of views. Debating ethical issues. Literature. Symbolism. Giving advice. Writing. Music. To name a few.

I know for certain that menu planning does NOT make me come alive.